I was told to always be myself. Like a nail on wood, the idea that I was unique and special was hammered into my mind. As an adolescent, this thought would remain unhinged. That would all change the day I discovered horoscopes.

Being more shook than a malt at Shake Shack, little did I know: I’m the way I am not because

of DNA that’s scientifically proven, or because of the way I was raised. That’s absurd. The reason I’m a stubborn and conceited jerk-off is due to the fact that I’m a Taurus.

Without future ado, your juice...


“The Ram”

March 21 - April 19

These Rams are brazen until all eyes are on them, like a deer caught in the headlights. Meaning their outfits will reflect their personality only in the slightest; their wardrobes won’t reveal personal beliefs/opinions.

The stubborn ‘one-stop-shop’ type. Example: If they like one outfit @ Urban Outfitters, they’ll mostly be back with their next paycheck buying another outfit.

Quick-tempered, which often leads to buyer regret.

If you try to mess with an Aries outfit, expect the horns. Very territorial.

Aries Roster

● Marc Jacobs (4/9/1963)

● Tommy Hilfiger (3/24/1951)

● Guccio Gucci (3/26/1881)

● Kenneth Cole (3/23/1954)

● Kourtney Kardashian (4/18/1984)

● Big Sean (3/25/1988)

● Elton John (3/25/1947)

● Diana Ross (3/26/1944)

● Pharrell Williams (4/5/1973)


“The Bull”

April 20 - May 20

Bullies, they dominate the fashion world.

Taurus & Leo are atop of the food chain, whereas the Lion has grace, the Bull is determined and isn’t afraid to pave the way; making them trendsetters.

The type to get dressed up just to snap you back, they’ll also retire outfits if they think it’s been spotted on IG too many times.

Being a trailblazer, they hate mainstream and will always set off to find what’s dope in the underground.

They make sure their best friend has the knowledge of proper lighting when taking pictures.

Taurus Roster

● @handsomeasshonkey (4/24/1995)

● The homie Dennis (4/29/1995)

● Audrey Hepburn (5/4/1929)

● Malcolm X (5/19/1925)

● Desus Nice (5/18/1983)

● The Kid Mero (5/15/1983)

● Donatella Versace (5/2/1955)

● Jessica Lange (4/20/1949)

● Gigi Hadid (4/23/1995)

● Kehlani (4/24/1995)

● GoldLink (5/17/1993)

David Beckham (5/2/1975)


“The Twins”

May 21 - June 2

The Twins: AKA they will try to twin you.

Grown adults that watch Bob’s Burger while eating Fruity Pebbles.

They’re bonafide ravers.