I was told to always be myself. Like a nail on wood, the idea that I was unique and special was hammered into my mind. As an adolescent, this thought would remain unhinged. That would all change the day I discovered horoscopes.

Being more shook than a malt at Shake Shack, little did I know: I’m the way I am not because

of DNA that’s scientifically proven, or because of the way I was raised. That’s absurd. The reason I’m a stubborn and conceited jerk-off is due to the fact that I’m a Taurus.

Without future ado, your juice...


“The Ram”

March 21 - April 19

These Rams are brazen until all eyes are on them, like a deer caught in the headlights. Meaning their outfits will reflect their personality only in the slightest; their wardrobes won’t reveal personal beliefs/opinions.

The stubborn ‘one-stop-shop’ type. Example: If they like one outfit @ Urban Outfitters, they’ll mostly be back with their next paycheck buying another outfit.

Quick-tempered, which often leads to buyer regret.

If you try to mess with an Aries outfit, expect the horns. Very territorial.

Aries Roster

● Marc Jacobs (4/9/1963)

● Tommy Hilfiger (3/24/1951)

● Guccio Gucci (3/26/1881)

● Kenneth Cole (3/23/1954)

● Kourtney Kardashian (4/18/1984)

● Big Sean (3/25/1988)

● Elton John (3/25/1947)

● Diana Ross (3/26/1944)

● Pharrell Williams (4/5/1973)


“The Bull”

April 20 - May 20

Bullies, they dominate the fashion world.

Taurus & Leo are atop of the food chain, whereas the Lion has grace, the Bull is determined and isn’t afraid to pave the way; making them trendsetters.

The type to get dressed up just to snap you back, they’ll also retire outfits if they think it’s been spotted on IG too many times.

Being a trailblazer, they hate mainstream and will always set off to find what’s dope in the underground.

They make sure their best friend has the knowledge of proper lighting when taking pictures.

Taurus Roster

● @handsomeasshonkey (4/24/1995)

● The homie Dennis (4/29/1995)

● Audrey Hepburn (5/4/1929)

● Malcolm X (5/19/1925)

● Desus Nice (5/18/1983)

● The Kid Mero (5/15/1983)

● Donatella Versace (5/2/1955)

● Jessica Lange (4/20/1949)

● Gigi Hadid (4/23/1995)

● Kehlani (4/24/1995)

● GoldLink (5/17/1993)

David Beckham (5/2/1975)


“The Twins”

May 21 - June 2

The Twins: AKA they will try to twin you.

Grown adults that watch Bob’s Burger while eating Fruity Pebbles.

They’re bonafide ravers.


The friend that always seems to be wearing that shirt you lost it two months ago.

Chameleons that blend in.

Gemini Roster

● Donald Trump (6/14/1946)

● Kanye West (6/8/1977)

● John F Kennedy (5/29/1917)

● Marilyn Monroe (6/1/1926)

● Tupac Shakur (6/161971)

● Anjelina Jolie (6/4/1975)

● Prince (6/7/1958)

● Heidi Klum (6/1/1973)

● Neil Patrick Harris (6/15/1973)

● Vic Mensa (6/6/1993)

● Christopher Wallace (Notorious B.I.G.) (5/21/1972)


“The Crab”

Jun 21 - Jul 22

“The Hermit Crabs” aka “The Hoarders”

Definitely attached to older outfits, and it’s difficult to part ways.

No matter the occasion, they have the outfit on deck and ready to go.

They love a good bargain, they’re the friends that make thrift shopping fun (if Macklemore was born to two days later, this would be solid concrete evidence).

Cancer Roster

● Princess Diana (7/1/1961)

● Ariana Grande (6/26/1993)

● Khloé Kardashian (6/27/1984)

● Nancy Reagan (she was drinking the astrology kool-aid HEAVY) (7/6/1921)


“The Lion”

Jul 23 - Aug 22

Lavish Every Occasion

Even when they’re in sweats, they got a $600 Marc Jacobs bag.

The Lion King & Queens.

Most likely a sugar baby of some sort.

Their wardrobe is a work of art.

It’s all or nothing though. If they don’t look like a million dollars with the homies, they’re most likely lounging at home in their chonies.

A cheap outfit will look high-end once a Leo is through with it.

Leo Roster

● Barack Obama (8/4/1961)

● Madonna (8/16/1958)

● Jackie Kennedy Onassis (7/28/1929)

● Soulja Boy (7/28/1990)

● James St. James (8/1/1966)

● Tom Brady (8/3/1977)

● Michael Kors (8/9/1959)

● Kylie Jenner (8/10/1997)


“The Virgin”

Aug 23 - Sep 22

It’s more about having organized closet space.

Virgos have no shame when it comes to saving money, they don’t mind a little haggle here and there.

A Virgo will buy a bootlegged/knockoff gift in order to save money.

Virgo Roster

● Michael Jackson (8/29/1958)

● Mother Teresa (8/26/1910)

● Amy Winehouse (9/14/1983)

● Beyoncé (9/4/1981)


The Scales”

Sep 23 - Oct 23

“Liberated Libra”

A free spirit at heart, their getup is naturally eccentric.

Your cool aunt that took you bar hopping on your 21st was probably a Libra.

The Flower Children of every generation.

The world is their style board, easily inspired.

A Libra will ask you to go shopping, will ask your opinion about EVERYTHING, and after a day of browsing, the common Libra will go home empty handed; as a result of being indecisive.

Libra Roster

● Kim Kardashian (10/21/1980)

● Snoop Dogg (10/20/1971)

● Zac Efron (10/18/1987)

● Donald Glover (9/25/1983)

● Will Smith (9/25/1968)


“The Scorpion”

Oct 23 - Nov 21

Wardrobe consists of darker colors.

Mysterious by nature, their getup will catch your attention and leave you wondering.

Intelligently as well as physically seductive, but they’ll sting once you’re close.

Staying out of the spotlight, they won’t wear anything that brings too much attention upon them. Well dressed but blended in, so keep your eye out and watch your step.

Scorpio Roster

● Hillary Clinton (10/26/1947)

● Katy Perry (10/24/1984)

● Drake (10/24/1986)

● Frank Ocean (10/28/1987)

● Kendall Jenner (11/3/1995)

● Kris Jenner (11/5/1954)

● Hello Kitty (11/1/1974)

● Danny DeVito (11/17/1944)


“The Archer”

Nov 22 - Dec 21

They buy a tourist t-shirt of every city they travel to.

If I didn’t know better, I’d assume Sagittarius was a dinosaur species.

Always on the go, they’re masters of living their best life out outta suitcase.

A common Sagittarius saying: “it’s laundry day.”

You’re not a Sagittarius unless you culture appropriate at least once a week.

Sagittarius Roster

● Chrissy Teigen (11/30/1985)

● Nicki Minaj (12/8/1982)

● Britney Spears (12/2/1981)

● Jane Fonda (12/21/1937)

● Ozzy Osbourne (12/3/1948)

● Bill Nye (11/27/1955)

● Richard Pryor (12/1/1940)

● Gianni Versace (12/2/1946)


The Goat”

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Basic. Capricorn’s style is just as tasteful candy corn.

They live & breathe Patagonia.

Since Capricorns are goats, they will tell you they’re the greatest of all time. This may be true in other areas, but they’re not conceited enough to understand fashion.

Jorts were invented by a Capricorn (no need to fact check).

They prefer to wear something comfy as opposed to something high end and uncomfortable.

They have leggings/sweats for every occasion.

Capricorn Roster

● MLK (1/15/1929)

● Muhammad Ali (1/17/1942)

● Nicholas Cage (1/7/1964)

● Tiger Woods (12/30/1975)

● Drew Brees (1/15/2979)


“The Water Bearer”

Jan 20 - Feb 18

They look 12/10 in casual attire, it’s rarely anything over-the-top.

Skinny jeans with a tee of their favorite artist/band.

Old school funk with a new school flare.

Definition of ‘Man makes the cloth, the cloth doesn’t make the man.’

Your MCM’s WCW is an Aquarius.

The next IG page you stalk will be that of an Aquarius, I bet my left nut on it.

Aquarius Roster

● Michael Jordan (2/7/1963)

● Jennifer Aniston (2/11/1969)

● Cristiano Ronaldo (2/5/1985)

● Paul Newman (1/26/1925)

● Kid Cudi (1/30/1984)

● J. Cole (1/28/1985)

● Anderson .Paak (2/8/1986)


“The Fish”

Feb 19 - Mar 20

“Pisces of ISH”

If you break the heart of an Pieces, you won’t recognize them after the damage has been done. They’ll change up their hair, dye it a new color, get plastic surgery, and start dating the person

they said not to worry about.

Sensitive and gifted souls, conscious to how the world views them. Either they care too much or don’t care at all, and it reflects on their outfit of choice.

We all know the girls that only post mirror selfies, they’re Pisces.

Or the guy that sends unsolicited rhymes-with-Nick pics, he’s not only a Pisces... He’s every guy ever. So scratch that thought, never mind.

If a Pisces is in a relationship, they tend to reflect their significant other’s style.

Pisces Roster

● Rihanna (2/20/1988)

● Elizabeth Taylor (2/27/1932)

● Justin Bieber (3/1/1994)

● Albert Einstein (3/14/1879)

The end. I still don’t understand this astrology logic.

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